Where I was…three years ago

Excerpts from my Journal — Trigger warning; suicidal ideation, offensive language — (honestly, I love swearing & I don’t find anything offensive — but each to their own)

Sunday 3rd September 2017

I wasn’t expecting to wake up this morning. I took a few pills(anxiety/depression meds, Endone, Temazepam), smoked some weed, drank some alcohol ( Sambuca, Johnny Walker, Bailey’s)— I thought the cocktail would’ve killed me! I’ll have to try harder next time! I’m back to “I don’t want to be here anymore” again. I know I said that I am going to live for Damian, I say a lot of things, I just can’t handle feeling like this every day! I’m more miserable than I was yesterday! (extremely sad face) The black dog has a firm grip on me, I don't know if I can fight it? I don’t see anything else in front of me.

I decided the dam on our farm property was to be the place of my demise at this point.

(11:43am) I’ve put a few things together in case I feel like going for a walk to the dam. I’m going to smoke the 2 joints I rolled, and take some more pills. I’ve got a razor blade but I think my (favourite) knife will work better. I’ve labelled all of the stuff I’m giving back to people in boxes and I’ve left instructions for whoever needs them. Anyway, I think I’ve done enough preparation, it’s time to seriously consider doing this! I’m still feeling as relaxed and sure about it as I was when I first decided to do it. I’ve just gotta sit down and write one last letter to Damian. I’ll put it all in the lockable laptop case and leave it on my desk for whoever to open it.

(12:16pm) So I’m basically packed and ready to go down to the dam. It’s not raining at the moment, but it was just before. Doesn’t matter anyway, I’ve got a light rain jacket to put over me and if things go according to plan, I’ll be dead, so I won’t care. WOW! Today might just be the day! But if they find me and save me, they’ll probably stick me in a Psyche ward somewhere.

(12:34pm) I’m all sorted and ready to go.

Tuesday 5th September 2017 — I ended up telling Damian last night that I tried to kill myself. He was understandably upset and cried to me “Please don’t do that to me, why would you do that to me?” I can’t really remember much else of what he said, we were both crying and feeling empty inside. Now he’s more worried about me and watching everything I do. I feel really sad that I upset him. I feel like a cunt, piece of shit, fucking bitch, selfish mole, inconsiderate cunt!

(2:00Ppm) This time tomorrow, I’ll be at the Psychiatrists. Hopefully they can give me some stronger drugs! I’ll have to tell them everything — even about my failed suicide attempt.

My mindset was still negative and I still wanted to die — I couldn’t see any kind of future for myself

Wednesday 6th September 2017 — I feel like shit! I don’t want to shower and get dressed & I don’t want to go to this Psychiatrists appointment. I just want to go back to bed. I feel terrible that I tried to take my own life. Poor Damian was beside himself. I was only thinking of myself, I just didn't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I hate that people depend on me for anything, I don’t want that! Just let me be and leave me alone!

Saturday 9th September 2017 — I’m feeling quite good today. Probably the best I’ve felt in a while. Not that I’m really motivated to do anything, but I did shower & wash my hair today. I slept from about 3pm until maybe 7:30pm. Damian let me sleep but I had wished that he ‘d woken me up earlier than that.

Monday 11th September 2017 — I’ve been feeling a bit better (I generally only write when I’m down or pissed off!) I now want to live and I want to take the steps to get better and get back into a job, it’ll be slow progress, but I’ll get there.

The following month, I had to go back to a job because times were tough and we needed money. I didn’t have a chance to work on my recovery and 2 years later, I relapsed. But it wasn’t just one relapse. And what “they” don’t tell you, is that you will relapse and guess what, that’s ok. You’re not obligated to anyone to “get better” or “snap out of it” and anyone that makes you feel that way is an asshole! Bid them farewell and focus on YOU!

Since 2017, I’ve gone through a range of psychological transformations. I’ve relapsed more than once. I’ve fallen and picked myself up countless times. I’ve had times where I’ve felt like this is all behind me. Honestly, it’ll always be there. I just have to keep working on better coping strategies and learn that where I am now, is not my final destination and that I can change anything I want in my life — it’s up to ME to fix this!

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